|
|
Post by Otomo Mako on Feb 12, 2018 19:39:47 GMT -5
Mako was still choking back the bile at her own idiocy when Hisui asked the question that left a pit in her stomach, an endless pit that threatened to consume Mako hole, a void filled maw, that was engulfing all that she was, and leaving her with nothing, at what she was doing to this person she claimed that she loved. She had to stop herself from fleeing the room, she had to realize that that would only make it worse, but every plan she thought of went through her head and then instantly made her assume she as going to make everything worse. She wasn't ready for this. She thought she was ready, she thought she had prepared her speech, prepared her emotions, and that everything would work out fine. But the more she talked, the more she felt the love bubbling over.
It threatened to consume her, as she watched the Unicorn. And endless pit matched to an unquenchable love, tearing her insides apart as she stood up, and paused for just a moment, to take a deep breath. She steeled herself, and turned to the woman, still there on the bed, and walked over, climbing back up if need be, to grasp Hisui by her shoulders, short little nails digging into the sensei's skin through her clothes, from how desperate the grasping was. The tears flowed freely, as she spoke, "You're not disgusting, and you have never been to me. You're beautiful and lovely, and I had to move away from you, because I want nothing more right now than to kiss you, to tell you it's okay, to have it be okay, to have us be okay. I want to claim your lips, and hold you like a lover, and I'm afraid of what that means, I'm afraid of what that makes me, and I'm afraid of the feelings that I have." She choked back a sob, as she talked about her fears, not looking away from the Unicorn, even as she allowed the woman to see her at her most vulnerable.
"Nothing I have said has been meant to hurt you. Everything is true. Every bit of love. Every bit of praise. There's no lies.
There's nothing there that wants to harm you. Please." She asked it desperately, "I'm sorry I lied before, but you have to believe me now. I'm not mad. I don't secretly hate you. I just know that loving you like I want to will hurt us both." The sobbing couldn't be held back anymore, and Mako's head moved into the unicorn woman's shoulders, as she gave ugly cries, as she revealed the truth that she knew was there - that her love was only going to hurt Hisui, "I'm sorry that I love you." She sobbed it into the shoulder, "I'm so... so sorry."
|
|
|
|
Post by Utaku Hisui on Feb 12, 2018 20:07:26 GMT -5
Wrong. So very wrong. Hisui had never truly understood what it was like to think like Mako. To see the way Mako did. For all their similarities, or perhaps because of them, Hisui had failed to read Mako correctly. She'd failed to see how the Imperial truly saw things, how her little pink sister felt.
In every way that counted, neither of them was ready for this. Hisui was a soldier at heart. She liked things neatly categorized. Her children were her children. Aiko, Yokohime, Akane - these were her friends. Fuyuko was her wife. But Mako? Mako had always defied Hisui's ability to neatly organize the people in her life. Perhaps because their own similarities made it difficult for others to categorize them. Perhaps because it was that blind spot Hisui had for her unofficial little sister. Perhaps it was that thing in her heart that sometimes said You can love her, can't you? If she needs you to love her.
The nails dug into her skin. The words into her ears. She raised her hands, gingerly, nervously. As if they could be swatted aside. This was tentative ground, something unknown to her. This wasn't Fuyuko, where Hisui's hands could move as they pleased, to wipe or caress or touch at a whim. She's afraid too, she wants to say. She's afraid of losing. Afraid of going too far. Afraid of hurting. Afraid of being hurt.
Yet there Mako was, insisting she'd spoken no falsehoods. Mako loved her. Not mockery. Not deception. Not some game. She takes a long breath, clear her lungs and her thoughts. Mako had spoken enough. It was her turn.
She takes a risk, opens her arms. An embrace, if Mako chooses to take it. "I'm still here. I will always be here..." A hitch, but she decides it's time. "Mako-chan."
"You and I...we've always had something between us. I won't deny that. It just kept changing, kept becoming. And I never quite kept up, never quite learned to understand you the way my children did. And I've been making mistakes all this time, because I had no idea how to step around you or with you." She holds back a sob, her tears. "But I always knew that you wanted something I could never give you. Something I would never allow myself to give you."
"But don't be sorry. We can't choose who we love."
|
|
|
|
Post by Otomo Mako on Feb 12, 2018 20:41:08 GMT -5
Mako didn't know where she learned to read people. She didn't understand why she was so good at seeing peoples feelings, or guessing how they felt. She didn't know why she was born so empathic. She didn't know why she felt so hard, and why she empathized so easily. But she did, and she always had, and she always watched Hisui, so hurt, so lost, trying so hard. How could she not want to fix it, how could she not want to improve her life, how could she not want to be near the woman, who gave so much, in hopes of giving back a tenth of it?
So Mako took the embrace, even as it hurt, and she pressed herself into it, into the woman. For a long moment, she just listened, and let herself cry. The pit in her stomach was gone, and the love inside her was stilled, for that long moment, as she just let herself listen. As they sat there, and she listened, she just let herself be calm. Safe. In a place she felt she belonged. The arms that felt like the safest, kindest place. That always reminded her of love, pure and unjudgemental. And then Hisui said that she could never give her the love she wanted. And she felt the emotions pouring out once more.
"Even if I could choose..." She was mumbling through sobs, as she said it, "Even if I could go back and choose to never meet you..." She took labored, broken breaths, that could break hearts, as she spoke, "I would still choose to meet you, and to fall in love with you. Every time." The last part if said with a sad smile, as she looked at Hisui, still crying, tears falling from her face, none of the usual refined features. None of the usual optimism.
Still looking at her, still choking, "I'm just sorry it ended up this way." She held her breath, before she continued on her thought, "With me unable to stop it. Unable to feel whole, whenever I think of you. I love loving you. But I hate it because it hurts." She would try to guide Hisui's hand to above her left breast, in a symbolic way to represent her heart, "It hurts worse than I can imagine the sharpest blade. And yet I still can't stop loving you."
|
|
|
|
Post by Utaku Hisui on Feb 12, 2018 21:16:22 GMT -5
She listened. Heard Mako speak of how she'd choose to do it all over again. The words haunted her. She couldn't fathom them, not in this context. She'd met people over her life she would meet again in the next, if she could. A Dragon Thunder, whose boundless smile stirred her heart. A Scorpion with ready advice and surprising concern. A Lioness with more energy than even Mako. A...complicated spirit with a mischievous streak the size of the Colonies. A Dour Doji Duelist who sang her a love song in steel.
But not once had she ever considered herself to be someone like that for another person, not until Fuyuko. And now, it seemed, she'd been blind to her being such a person for Mako.
Hisui tries to smile. To wash away the sad one on her little sister's face. It's harder than it used to be, more of a challenge. The refinement is gone. The trained face of a courtier cast aside. And so is her cheer, her heart, her optimism. All like shards of glass falling as emotions tumble out of the both of them.
"I told you, don't be sorry. I don't hate you. I will always care about you. I will always love you. You are my wonderful little Mako-chan." She holds tighter, breathing slowly. Her chest rises and falls with her breathing and her emotions, struggling to still them. "I'm sorry this hurts you. It hurts me too. But someday...someday it will. Someday, it stops hurting. You'll still care, you'll still feel it. But it stops aching."
And her eyes close. Hisui is lost to a memory. An afternoon in the girls' dorm. "It stops making you want to dig your nails into your palms until you're bleeding because you let them nudge you away. It just takes time."
|
|
|
|
Post by Otomo Mako on Feb 12, 2018 21:52:04 GMT -5
Mako choked down her emotions, as Hisui smiled to her, the weak, broken smile did so much for her. Even as much pain as it caused, she still had to return it. And so she smiled, she smiled sadly, and slowly, that sad smile turned into something approaching happiness, as she was forced tighter into Hisui's body, by the hug that held her steady. The words were so knowledgeable. So sad in her ears, the exact kind of words, of pain that made Mako fall in love and want to give Hisui better. Mako had to smile, she had to make herself smile, because she loved her Hisui so much, that her own pain was something she had started to learn to hide, in part because of Hisui.
And then she did something terrible, she shifted her head, to give Hisui a kiss... on her forehead, almost in her hair, away from where it could be romantic, towards an area she could give that physical affection, and hopefully not be thrown away for it, "I would rather have the pain of loving you and never being loved in return, than the pain of not having you in my life." She said it quietly, not entirely sure if even she really meant it, at first. Would it have been so hard? To just try and forget. Of course it would. She knew that. But would it be harder than living knowing she'd never be loved, "You don't need to feel like you're at fault, for not loving me, either. We don't choose who we love. And you don't love me. At least, not how I wish you did. But you don't need to feel the pain for that. I don't want you to hurt, for me." The smile was still there, holding steady, not wavering, not breaking, just a real, Mako smile.
That concealed all of her pain at not being good enough.
|
|
|
|
Post by Utaku Hisui on Feb 12, 2018 22:20:00 GMT -5
The kiss on the forehead, so kind and gentle. So much like the way she used to kiss Mako herself. The young pink girl learned a few things from her elder sister after all. She welcomes it. Whether she lacks the strength to push away or because she thinks the Otomo needs to do that, it's hard to say. Perhaps, on some level, it is the Utaku that needed to feel that. Such things were best left contemplated by wiser people.
Hisui is listening. Always listening. She listens for other people's pain. For other people's joy. For other people's needs. At some point in her life, she started listening to her own. Little by little. Somehow, as she listens to Mako, it feels like both. She is listening to someone else's sorrows and needs. At the same time, it feels too much like hearing her own.
"I don't want you to hurt, either. I would stop it, if I could."
She sees the smile. The real one. Not the one Mako paraded around when she was on business mode. And Hisui replies in turn, smiling herself. The special one. One Mako's never seen before. One reserved for Hisui's closest and dearest. For Fuyuko.
Then, she says words she probably shouldn't have. "If only you'd been older."
|
|
|
|
Post by Otomo Mako on Feb 13, 2018 0:17:36 GMT -5
Mako smiled as she got to see something she never got to see before. A smile, a smile that was so pure, so genuine, that she didn't recognize, that made her heart leap, that made her choke not on tears, but on happiness, that made everything that happened before not matter as she actually gave a little giggle, and smiled so real, so lovingly. It gave her a happiness that reminded her of why she was allowing the pain to happen, to remain close to Hisui, the happiness that was unique and that she loved. It was perfect. And then Hisui said something, and completely ruined that happiness, as she was confronted with the one thing that she didn't want to hear. That she just never had a chance, due to birth only, to be something to Hisui. That she really was just never going to be good enough. That Hisui just viewed her as too young. And so she bit her lip, and moved back, her hands moving to the skirt, and it just suddenly... gone, thrown aside on Hisui's bed, as Mako leaves herself in pink panties, and stares at Hisui, moving closer to her again. "Why? Why is that what you think of when you look at me? Why do you have to tell me that? Why can't you look at me, see me, without having to remind yourself I'm a child to you!?" She was close to Hisui, but if Hisui pushed her away, she wouldn't fight it. As much as she was showing her body, she was also having tears stream down her face, as she did it. She knew how wrong it was, what she was doing, but.. she was angry, and upset, and more than a little charged by her day. And this was the dumbest thing to do, but she didn't know what else she could do, to make Hisui see her as the adult she had formed into. She was doing the dumbest thing possible. Temptation: 5d10o10k4 33 |
|
|
|
Post by Utaku Hisui on Feb 13, 2018 0:46:14 GMT -5
The Utaku has always been drawn to beautiful women. A nine-tailed fox with a sultry voice. A nine-tailed fix with a cutting tongue. A broken-winged Crane with the voice of an angel. A Battle Maiden with a heart hardened by life. A Dragon that killed an Oni Lord. A Scorpion taken too soon. A Doji with a sad history and a tiger's bite. A Spider with honeyed words and venomous intent. Her Dour Doji Duelist. Women were her weakness. Or her greatest weakness, because she had many. And looking at Mako as she was, it was hard not to feel that familiar pull. To be dragged into the orbit of that pink sun. To burn from being too close. She almost leans, almost picks her up off the floor. It would be easy. So easy. But she doesn't. Honor doesn't stop her. Love does. Love for Fuyuko and, if she was being honest, something like it for Mako. Instead, she only offers her hands. She holds Mako's in her own, and gives her that same smile. A smile she saves only for those she cares for most. The same one she seemed so happy to see. "I don't see you as a child, Mako." No honorific, but the words are laced with affection. "I don't think I've seen you that way since the day I invited you to celebrate your gempukku with my children. You...you tried so hard to be strong. To show the world that you weren't hurt. And in you, I saw pieces of my pain. Pieces of my hurt. Pieces of my strength." "I don't see you as a child. But I do see you as having more years than I do. And I would spare you the pain of watching me wither away, while you regret that I can't be with you without breaking. I would spare us that pain." "You should be with someone who has as much time left as you. So you have more time to love, to laugh, to grow. To shine like the sun." Resisting Temptation 34+6 (Honor) |
|
|
|
Post by Otomo Mako on Feb 13, 2018 1:29:22 GMT -5
It wasn't what Mako wanted, the hands that took her, as she moved closer, as she climbed back onto the bed. It wasn't the embrace that she knew she would regret, the lips that she knew she would make herself sick over, the body that she knew would haunt her. And that was good. That was good, in every sense of the word. She looked Hisui in the eye, and she listened to the words, without interrupting, without saying anything, without even so much as blinking. And there were so many things she wanted to say. So many arguments she wanted to make. So many attempts to be contrary that she saw opening up, ready for her to take advantage of.
But she didn't. Because that would be stupid. And it would ruin what little chance she had of recovering from this, as she sniffled lightly, and moved to sit in Hisui's lap, facing away from the older woman, as she sniffled, and let a few final tears fall, "I'm sorry." She sounded so vulnerable, but not in the same way as before. Almost like when she was younger, "I never thought about how that idea must feel to you. To have to have me watch you grow old. To fear that I would be trapped in something unhappy down the line. I... I never thought beyond today and tomorrow. Beyond how I wanted to love you and be loved in return. Beyond how I felt like I could spend infinite time with you, and always be happy with it."
She said the words because she had to say the words, because she had to have Hisui know it all. Because Hisui was right. And she knew it. But she needed the closure, "I always thought I would be able to make you smile because I could make everyone smile, but yours were always so sad still, even when everyone thought they looked happy. I couldn't see anything but the sadness. I wanted to see that happy. And then I did. And it wasn't me who caused it. And I'm sorry that I reacted like I did." She needed to just talk, to just say it.
"I'm glad you're happy. I really, I truly am. It hurts my heart, but it also makes the weight in my stomach feel better. I'm glad you found her. And that she makes you happy. I'm glad it happened. And I'm sorry if a little piece of me always wishes I were in her place." She choked on a breath, but she kept her cool, just letting the tears fall without having to sob, a refined cry, that Hisui hopefully wouldn't see, with Mako's back to her.
"I'll always be by your side. As a part of your family, if you'll have me. I mean, I know any kids you and Yuko have will need a cool fun aunt, with you two stick in the muds." She laughed an awkward laugh, as she made the awkward joke, "And maybe one day I'll move past loving you like this. But even if I don't, it will be worth every painful moment, because I know you'll give me at least one happy one I wouldn't have had without you in my life, for each sad one."
|
|
|
|
Post by Utaku Hisui on Feb 13, 2018 1:49:00 GMT -5
A kiss. Familial, on the forehead. All that needs to be said in one simple moment.
"When you live to be my age, when you lose so much of yourself and your loved ones, you learn to think ahead. Someday you will too, and I hope you'll stay as optimistic as you are when that day comes," she says as she wipes away a little tear. "And it's alright. I was young too, and brash and stupid and more emotional than I am now. I felt that pain too."
"And you will always be family. Whether Ide or Otomo or whatever your name becomes, to me you are always Utaku Mako. My sister. My family." She pretends she doesn't notice the crying. She'd gotten very good at noticing those things. She doesn't call out the awkwardness of the laugh. "It will hurt, I know. But it gets easier. Take it from someone who knows. You learn to live through the pain."
"My Mako. My sweet Mako. I'd welcome you back but...in my heart, you never left."
|
|
